From Lisa Gardner's GONE
"What happened? Where's my wife? I'd like to see Rainie."
Kincaid merely nodded. This was his party. Best to make that clear now and save them both a lot of pissing wars.
"Nice coat," he said at last.
"Sergeant--"
"Like the shoes too. Bit muddy though, don't you think?"
"Mud washes off. Where's my wife?"
"I'll tell you what. You answer my questions, then I'll answer yours. Sound like a plan?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Actually, since this is my scene, no, you don't."
Quincy thinned his lips but didn't protest. Kincaid allowed himself one moment to puff out his chest. Score one for the state guy.
"Mr. Quincy, when was the last time you saw your wife?"
"Seven days ago."
"Been out of town?"
"No."
"Don't you two work together?"
"Not at the moment."
"Live together?"
A muscle ticked in Quincy's jaw. "Not at the moment."
Kincaid cocked his head to the side. "Care to elaborate?"
"Not at the moment."
I chose this example because it works so well. But also because it makes me believe I can write good dialogue too. There are no zingers. Nothing particularly brilliant. Just ordinary speech that even I might be able to think up.
So why is this ordinary exchange so powerful? What can a simple author like me learn from it and imitate?
Well for starters, we immediately feel the conflict between these two. How is this done? Seems pretty simple- they don't respond to each other's questions right away. One character asks a question or makes a statement, the other doesn't respond to the question asked, thus establishing the "pissing war".
What else? The dialogue sounds natural. The sentences are clipped to imitate everyday speech patterns. "Care to elaborate?" replaces "Would you care to elaborate?" And even the internal dialogue makes use of this technique. Best to make that clear rather than It was best to make that clear.
Lack of adverbs mugging up the tag lines, use of action tags: a muscle ticked in his jaw and no distracting tags like huffed etc.
Finally, despite the lack of zingers (Thank goodness, that takes the pressure off) she uses the simple but effective device of repetition to pull this exchange to a higher level: Not at the moment.
I think I can use these techniques to improve my dialogue passages. What about you? Care to share any good passages from your work or someone else's? Any techniques you've found helpful for transforming your dialogue? Does banter flow from your fingertips or do you work at it and then rework it?
16 comments:
Banter does flow from my fingertips!
Description, emotion, and stage direction, however, does not. :(
(Yet I persist in being a novelist instead of a scriptwriter. *sigh*)
P.S.
Loved the "Not at the moment" excerpt! Cute. =)
I do all right with dialogue. Most of my scenes start with talk, then I have to go back and layer in everything else.
Erica's banter is its own jealousy-inducing beast.
For me, I tend to talk too much, so my characters do, too. I'll write down dialogue exactly the way I would say it (but in Regency-speak, of course!) and then have to go back and delete all the repetitions. CM helped me figure this out (although there have been others, like, uh, contest judges, who've noticed). It's sort of frustrating, because I have to accept that I'm repetitive in real life (oh, the shame!), and also because what sounds *natural* to me doesn't to someone else. Hm, maybe that was really more of a TMI Tuesday topic!
I have returned to defend myself :-)
I saw an interview with Mo Rocca of Daily Show fame and he said (totally paraphrasing here) that he will say something and then say it again, but funnier, because he knows the camera/director/etc will edit out the first one and make him funny. I decided on the spot that *this* is why I do (basically) the same thing -- say it the way I think it and then think of a better way to say it -- and that, thankfully, in my writing I can edit out the first, crappy version and just look naturally brilliant. I just needed a second set of eyes to notice I was doing it.
I swear, I don't tell the same story 600 times. Well, not to the same people ;-)
OKay, I suck at dialogue. Plain and simple. :)
Oh, I love dialogue. Love it, love it! It's those pesky transition scenes that bog me down.
But I also am remembering what Susan E. Phillips said in her workshop (which rocked), write the boring stuff, anything that will help you know what's going on and where the h/h are, and then cut what doesn't work in the revisions!
I think contemporary dialogue scenes are some of funniest I've ever read, btw. Love the pissing wars :)
Amy are you aware you are on Romancenovels TV, in the behind the scenes clip? WTG!
I am addicted to dialogue. I could go on forever, and probably do. My characters are far more witty/intellegent/cogent than I would ever be in RL conversation.
Great insights, India!
I lurve writing dialogue. It's my favorite part of writing. Writing dialogue in a historical is a whole different animal than writing dialogue between two hard-boiled cops, thankfully. Regency folk are allowed to be a bit more loquacious, well-spoken, etc.
I'm never happier than writing dialogue amongst big groups of characters, which is a different challenge. You have to use more tags, more stage direction, etc. But it's soooooo fun.
India, email me about the Moonlight and Magnolias conference! darcy at fibersphere dot net. I'm going!
Oh Lord, am I late responding. Guess I'm envious of all of you who lurrve dialogue. I'm getting there. But I'm more of a work-at-it gal. Who's with me? Christina?
But thank goodness I have you guys to learn from! Tessa, CM, Gillian, Lacey, Erica, Sara, Alice, and Maggie, Leigh of course!
I would be remiss if I failed to congratulate my wonderful friend and CP Tessa Dare. This has been a huge week for her. You can read about it on her blog. Eve, I don't know how to insert a link here. Woe is me. But, most folks 'round these here parts know how to find you.
Sending out huge congratulations to Erica and Darcy as well. The news of your accomplishments has warmed my heart!
And Darcy, if you're going to the Moonlight and Magnolias conference that's added incentive for me. It makes my final feel sooo much better to be in the company of friends!
Oh, that's right, I should mention that I'm honored to announce Twist of Fate is a Maggie finalist. Yay team!
Came to make sure you got the squees on your blog! (ok, that sounds like diarrhea :-)
CONGRATS!!!
Thanks Lacey! I got the squees! LOL. It's double fun that Darcy finalled too!
I've learned to use more contractions in historicals, just to make sure they don't sound too stick for the modern mind. And, I've learned to ease up on the tags.
Super Congrats on finaling in the Maggie's. You should post it!!! I found out in this very circuitous way. See you at M&M in Sept!!!
I love dialogue...I have to be very careful not to have talking heads though. I can hear the voices so clearly in my head that I don't put in the little nuances that make it a good story.
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